What to Expect the Sassy Years: Dealing With Back Talk

 

There are so many books, websites and blogs devoted to chatting about the sweet early years of childhood but not nearly as many for after age 7-8 and even fewer once they hit 10.  I remember how lost I felt when the “What to Expect” books abruptly ended. What do I do now? I thought.  Yet parenting gets much tougher at this point, and the Sassy Years last many more years than the Sweet Years (in my case, considering my oldest child argued about what clothes she’d wear to school when she was in kindergarten, the Sassy Years were in full swing at age 5 1/2). 

It’s a shame there aren’t more well-known advice-givers that specialize in these later years like there are for the earlier years.  The Today Show and others always used to have their “go-to” guys for parenting help, but their talk always focused on early childhood.  In lieu of that, we’ll help each other.

One of the biggest points of turmoil between parents and older kids is back talk. I hear other parents talking about it all the time.  Parents are greatly saddened that their once sweet child is sassing back to them.  I’m not going to get into the sociological, biological, or psychological reasons it happens, it just does, in many families, pretty commonly after a certain age.  If we parents could just get a handle on this, things would be a lot calmer in the long run.  In my own house and in others, a typical scene went like this:

Child #1: You’re stupid and I hate you!

Parent #1: (raising voice to a pitch not unlike a bellowing moose) How dare you talk to me that way! Go to your room!

Child #1: (screaming) No!

Parent #1: You’d better get to your room on the count of 5 or you’re grounded from going to the birthday party tomorrow.  1-2-3-4-5. (Child still not in room).  Okay, that’s it! No birthday party now!

Child #1: (crying and screaming) No!!! You can’t do that!  Please!!!!!!! Please, I’ll do anything to go!!! I’m sorry I said all those things!!! WAHHHHH!

Parent #1: No! You know I mean what I say.  No means No.  And that’s final.  You need to make better choices next time!

Child #1: (gets so upset she throws all her school supplies from the second floor to the first. Colored pencils come showering like raindrops down the stairs.  Dog starts barking.)

Parent #1: Now you’re in trouble.  Pick up the mess you’ve made.

Child #1: No! Let me go to the party and I will!

Parent #1:  If you don’t pick up the mess you’ve made, you’re grounded from having friends over this weekend or going to their houses.

Child #1: Fine!! I don’t care!!! (Slams bedroom door so hard the house shakes, a big no-no in our house). 

Parent #2 goes in and spanks Child #1, who cries and screams.

All this has taken a huge chunk of time out of our evening and has left everyone exhausted.  Child #2, the younger sister, is crying in her room, she hates all the commotion that often swirls around Child #1. 

Parent #2 is shaking, Parent #1’s heart is pounding and she is feeling like you could peel her off the ceiling.  The dog has slunk off to hide in a corner.  And they all are facing a weekend where Child #1 is grounded and must stay in the house– not fun.  By the next day, Parent #2 is trying to strike a deal for good behavior with Child #1 in order for her to earn back her privileges, which makes Parent #1 highly upset that both parents are not on the same page, that they are not showing a unified front (very wishy washy and not good for the child!)  She knows the child will never learn if stated consequences are not followed through, and so bad feelings emerge between the parents and a possible argument!

 All because of one utterance, one sentence: “You’re stupid, and I hate you.”

For too long, I kept thinking of “other parents” in my head (they didn’t really have names or faces, it was more like “all other parents of the past”) saying, “Don’t take that from your child. How disrespectful. No parent should allow that kind of talk!” And so I would get angry with my kid.  And maybe in some families, a “Go to your room” would have worked just fine.  But in my family and particularly with Child #1, it became clear that this type of reaction would always end up with a Power Struggle spiral, spiraling out of control and downward into a lose-lose situation.  I have since found a way to get the upper hand, only in a different way. 

The Love and Logic books and website have all sorts of great comeback lines you can use to keep your cool (and still respect yourself) when your kid “takes you aback” by something they’ve said.  You can use these lines
or come up with your own.  One that I came up with that I like to use is “Tell me something I don’t already know.”

Now, I will admit that we don’t do this if we get insulted in front of non-family members.  “Disrespect in public” is strictly forbidden, and the cell phone gets taken away, one day for every insult.  Also, sometimes I forget my mantra if I’m tired or hungry or have had a really bad day, and revert to Reactionary Angry Mom (nobody’s perfect). But those times are now much fewer.  It’s just too delicious to have the upper hand in a back-handed way.  Here are recent conversations that have gone on in my house and minivan:

 Child: “You’re stupid and I hate you.”

Parent: “I know that. Please tell me something I don’t already know.”

Child: (fuming) “Why would you say that?  That’s stupid.”

Parent: “Because it’s true. I am stupid, and I know you hate me.”

(Conversation eventually fizzles out, because she just can’t say anything that will bug me, or she’ll try a more civilized way of saying what she needs to say.)

The following conversations use a variation of my “mantra”:

Child: “You’re such a dork.”

Parent:  “I know. I agree.  I’m happy to be a dork.”

Child: (fuming) “Why would you say that?”

Parent: “Because if you didn’t think I was a dork, then I would be doing something wrong as a parent. Kids are supposed to think their parents are dorks.  So actually, calling me a dork is a compliment. I’m being a good parent.”

Child:  “Then I’m going to say that you’re great and beautiful and perfect.”

Parent:  “Gee, thanks!”

Child: (Fuming) “Whatever.”

——————————

Child: “I’m the only one of my friends who has to do her own laundry.  You’re such a loser.”

Parent:  “No, the other parents are losers since they haven’t taught their teenagers something as simple as turning on water and pouring in soap.”

(Silence.)